Chancers Read online

  Robert Massey

  CHANCERS

  NICK HERN BOOKS

  London

  www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

  Contents

  Title Page

  Original Production

  Epigraph

  Characters

  Chancers

  About the Author

  Copyright and Performing Rights Information

  Chancers was first performed at the Viking Theatre, Clontarf, Dublin on 30 October 2013. The cast was as follows:

  AIDEN

  Luke Griffin

  DEE

  Mary Murray

  GERTIE

  Anne Brogan

  JP

  Andrew Murray

  Director

  Terry Byrne

  Production Manager

  Laura Dowdall

  Production Assistant

  Kerry Power

  Set Design

  Liam O'Neill

  Set Construction

  Brendan O'Reilly

  Costumes

  Jill Thornton

  Photographer

  Alan Craig

  Poster Design

  Emmet Henry

  ‘Yet the way men live is so far removed from the way they ought to live that anyone who abandons what is for what should be pursues his downfall rather than his preservation; for a man who strives after goodness in all his acts is sure to come to ruin, since there are so many men who are not good.’

  The Prince,

  Niccolò Machiavelli

  Characters

  Aiden, thirty-nine

  Dee, thirty-seven

  Gertie, sixty-four

  JP, thirty-nine

  Setting

  A modern, bright convenience store somewhere in County Kildare. A hot-food counter, Lotto machine, various grocery items, wine, etc.

  ACT ONE

  Empty shop. Morning Ireland on the radio. AIDEN enters.He is preparing the shop for the day ahead. DEE enters from front door in sweatpants, runners, etc. She has just returned from the school run.

  DEE. I’m under pressure now.

  AIDEN. You’ve plenty of time.

  DEE goes into the back while AIDEN continues about his business.She re-enters barefoot, carrying two different- coloured business suits on hangers.She holds them up.

  DEE. Which one?

  AIDEN. Whichever.

  DEE. Choose, will you.

  AIDEN. I can’t.

  DEE. The navy?

  AIDEN. Absolutely.

  DEE. Or the grey?

  AIDEN. Either one of them, sure…

  DEE. You’re no use to me at all.

  DEE goes back into the back of the shop to change.They continue to talk.

  AIDEN. The kids go in okay?

  DEE. Lorcan was a bit nervous at the gate but he got over it when he saw all his friends inside.

  AIDEN. Good.

  DEE. Not too sure about Sean’s new teacher though.

  AIDEN. What’s wrong with him?

  DEE. It’s a her.And she has a fairly bad reputation round the village.

  AIDEN. They’ve little else to be talking about.

  DEE. I’ll have to keep an eye out.Make sure he isn’t slipping.

  AIDEN. Right so.

  DEE. You should have come with me.First day back.All the other fathers were there.

  AIDEN. That’s why I didn’t go.

  DEE. Not fair on the boys though, Aiden.

  AIDEN. Come on now, Dee.

  DEE. I’m only saying.It’s not all about us.

  AIDEN. I know that.I know.

  DEE re-enters – now dressed in the business suit complete with heels, etc. – looking good.

  Wow.

  DEE. What?

  AIDEN. I’d forgotten how well you used to look.

  DEE. Thanks very much.

  AIDEN. You know what I mean.

  DEE. I hope I do.Is it okay, yeah?

  AIDEN. It’s…

  DEE. What?

  AIDEN. It’s perfect.You look… perfect.

  DEE. Hard to believe it still fits me.

  AIDEN. Better than ever.

  DEE. Bit dated now though.

  AIDEN. Doesn’t look it.

  DEE. It’s ten years out of fashion at least.

  AIDEN. Things haven’t changed that much, love.

  DEE. Are you trying to be funny now?

  AIDEN (putting arms around her). I actually think they’ve improved.

  DEE (laughing). We’re living in two storerooms out the back of our bankrupt shop – some improvement.

  AIDEN (breaking away). That’s not what I was referring to.

  DEE. I know it’s not, I’m joking.

  DEE applies her make-up in the reflection of the window.

  You’ve someone begging outside there.

  AIDEN. I saw that, yeah.

  DEE. You should move her on, love.

  AIDEN. No I shouldn’t.

  DEE. Aiden.

  AIDEN. There but for the grace of God and a matter of months, Dee.

  DEE. That’s a big part of your problem, so it is.

  AIDEN. Well, I’ll live with that part of it, don’t worry.

  DEE (finishes make-up – turns and faces him). Final verdict.

  AIDEN. Absolutely gorgeous.Ten out of ten.No joke.

  DEE. I could put on a sack on for you in fairness, always could.

  DEE is finishing her hair.

  AIDEN. Will you wear that outfit for me later?

  DEE. Will I what?

  AIDEN. You know? – With those shoes.Pair of stockings, suspenders.Open up the buttons a bit.I can be the boss.You can drop your pen…

  DEE. Dream on.

  AIDEN. You used to love all that.

  DEE. I’m not so sure I did, love.

  AIDEN. Oh no you did.You did.You were filthy.Downright immoral.Don’t deny me that now – it’s about the only thing I’ve left keeps me going.You used to absolutely love it.

  DEE. I used to love a lot of things, Aiden, but we all have to grow up some time.

  AIDEN. To become what though?

  DEE. Right – That’s the cue to get my arse in gear.

  AIDEN. Seriously though – what happens to us now?That we’re grown up and it’s all done and dusted?

  DEE. We knuckle down, love.Start out on a long road of getting our heads back above water.

  AIDEN. Spend the second half of our lives paying for the first, yeah?

  DEE. Otherwise known as – providing for our children as best we can.Now will you get that face off you.

  AIDEN. It’s the only one I have left at this stage.

  AIDEN exits out the door, pulling the briquettes behind him.DEE’s mobile phone rings and she answers.

  DEE. Howya.(Pause.) Just putting the finishing touches on now. (Pause.) Not half bad if I do say so myself.(Pause.) Give over, you dirty fecker you.(Pause.)Ahhh thanks very much, I’ll need it.(Pause.) We’ll give it a good shot anyway.(Pause.) He’s not the best to be honest.No.(Pause.) Just very down on himself.Can’t get his head around what’s happened, you know.How it ever got to this.(Pause.)Don’t take it too personally, JP – he’s not talking to anyone, sure.His father has the place haunted – ringing day and night to see if he’s alright and he won’t call him back.(Pause.) Just says he’s embarrassed to speak to him with the way things are and he hasn’t the energy to pretend so…

  AIDEN has re-entered.

  No – I don’t know what I’m going to do with him either – but if I don’t get this job today…(Sees AIDEN.) I have to run here.I’ll chat to you later.Okay.Thanks. Bye.

  AIDEN. Who was that?

  DEE. Just JP.

  AIDEN. Oh.

  DEE. Yeah.

  Pause.

  AIDEN. What’s he want?


  DEE. Just wishing me luck.

  AIDEN. For today?

  DEE. Yeah.

  AIDEN. I thought you didn’t want anyone knowing about it.

  DEE. I know, but sure – it’s different, isn’t it.

  AIDEN. Is it?

  DEE. Well, it’s not just anyone.It’s JP.It’s– it’s our friend.So.You know what I mean.

  AIDEN. Of course, yeah.

  Pause.

  DEE. Right – before I go – (Produces a page.) I got these online.I want to go over them.

  AIDEN. What are they?

  DEE. They are the top-three job interview questions you need to have prepared.

  AIDEN. So…

  DEE. So let’s go.

  AIDEN. Let’s…?

  DEE. Ask me them.

  AIDEN. What, now?

  DEE. Well, I have the interview in half an hour – when do you think the best time would be?

  AIDEN. But sure I’m busy now.

  DEE. Busy with what?

  AIDEN. Customers.

  DEE looks around the empty shop.

  You know what I mean.

  DEE. Honey, if we were busy with customers I wouldn’t be out looking for a job, would I?

  AIDEN. You don’t have to go out looking for a job, Dee – I keep telling you…

  DEE. We are not going back over that.I haven’t time now.It’s work I’m going back to – not a prisoner-of-war camp.

  AIDEN. Things will pick up round here soon – they have to.

  DEE. No they don’t, love.They don’t and they won’t and we will lose the last roof over our heads if we don’t open our eyes. Can’t keep throwing unopened envelopes in the bin, Aiden.Time runs out on that – nothing surer.Ask me the questions – I want to know I can answer them out loud.

  AIDEN starts to role play.

  AIDEN. Mrs Farrell.

  DEE. Mizzz.

  AIDEN. Mrs Farrell.

  DEE. Whatever.

  AIDEN. Please sum up for us ‘who you are’ in no more than two minutes. (As himself.) Seriously?

  DEE. That’s the question, yes – So – I’m thirty-seven years old and…

  AIDEN. You don’t have to tell them your age.

  DEE. No – no you’re right, probably best not to.

  AIDEN. That’s not what I meant.

  DEE. It’s okay… So – right – I’m a happily married woman…

  AIDEN. You don’t have to tell them that either.

  DEE. Shit – eeeehhhmm – A mother to two young boys.

  AIDEN. Or that.

  DEE. Jesus.What’s left of me after ten years?

  AIDEN. Plenty.

  DEE. I’m struggling to see… eeeehhhm – I’m…

  AIDEN. A highly educated woman.

  DEE. Yes.

  AIDEN. With a first-class degree in English and Philosophy.

  DEE. That’s right.

  AIDEN. A strong track record in business and administration.

  DEE. Exactly – thank you.

  AIDEN. Who took a planned career break to raise her family.

  DEE. Nicely put.

  AIDEN. And this company should get down on their hands and knees and thank their lucky stars that you are back out on the job market and considering them as potential employers.

  DEE. I wouldn’t go that far.

  AIDEN. I would.

  DEE. Great – okay – I’m glad we are doing this now.This is good.What’s the next question?

  AIDEN. What colour knickers are you wearing?

  DEE. Aiden.

  AIDEN. What do you know about our company?

  DEE. Okay – I’ve done my homework here – so – Your company is a market-leading online gaming organisation with operations in fourteen countries.

  AIDEN. Yes it is.

  DEE. You are at the cutting edge of the industry – exciting, dynamic and innovative.

  AIDEN. We are all those things and more.

  DEE. Your motto is – ‘We’ve never heard of impossible’.

  AIDEN. We have now.

  DEE. You recently established a new office in Kildare town.

  AIDEN. Where better?

  DEE. And you are on the market for a top-class receptionist.

  AIDEN. Present and correct.

  DEE. Stroke lunch lady.

  AIDEN. Really?

  DEE. Stroke office cleaner, gofer and all-round general dogsbody.

  AIDEN. Please don’t go, love.

  DEE. What’s the last question?

  AIDEN. Stay here with me today.

  DEE. Come on.

  AIDEN. We’ll lock the doors.Drink some wine.Hide away from it all.

  DEE. Ask me the question.

  AIDEN. If you were told you only had six months to live, what would you do with the time you had left?

  DEE. I would go straight home to my kind and handsome husband.I would lock the doors.Drink some wine.And hide away from it all.

  AIDEN. Really?

  DEE. Really.

  AIDEN. Life gets in the way of all the good stuff, doesn’t it?

  DEE. It has a habit of doing that, yes.

  They kiss.

  GERTIE enters. Sharp and forceful. When she says ‘Jesus’ it is always with the deepest disdain.

  GERTIE. Jesus.

  DEE. Gertie.

  GERTIE. What have you two got to be kissing about?

  AIDEN. Good morning, Gertie.

  GERTIE. Not a whole lot from what I’m hearing around town.

  DEE. Well, the best things in life are still free, right?

  GERTIE. There’s fuck-all for free in this life – and that’s the one and only thing you learn after living the lot of it.

  DEE. Sounds like the title of your autobiography there, Gertie.When are you going to get round to writing it?

  GERTIE. There’s plenty round here would be shitting a brick if I did.

  DEE. I’d believe that alright.

  GERTIE. Including some of your own folk, let me tell you.

  DEE. I don’t want to hear it.

  GERTIE. Your Uncle Seamus would take up a few fucking chapters all by himself.

  DEE. Gertie.

  GERTIE. Him and his healing hands.

  DEE. Stop it.

  GERTIE. And don’t get me started on your cousin Aine.

  DEE. Please.

  GERTIE. Took ‘the gift of the gab’ to new heights altogether.

  DEE. I’m out of here.

  GERTIE. All dressed up and somewhere to go now, have ye?

  DEE. Yes I do – for the first time in a while – I’ve a job interview this morning, Gertie.

  AIDEN. Well, you’ve told the whole world about it now, love.

  GERTIE. That’s what telling me is – is it?

  DEE. I don’t care any more.There’s nothing wrong with it.

  GERTIE. A job interview you say.

  DEE. At ten o’clock sharp.

  GERTIE. I didn’t think those things existed any more.

  DEE. They’re a fairly endangered species alright.

  AIDEN. She looks great though, doesn’t she?

  GERTIE. For all the good it will do her.

  AIDEN. Ahh, come on, Gertie, don’t start that crap now.

  GERTIE. What?

  DEE. It’s alright – she means well – don’t you?

  GERTIE. Always.

  DEE. And she’s dead right anyway.How I look is not going to matter a jot.Not with this.I’ll be hired on merit or I won’t be hired at all.

  AIDEN. Well, I reckon you’re a shoo-in.

  GERTIE. Great to have someone believing in you.

  DEE. Yes it is.I better be off so.

  AIDEN. Keep in touch, won’t you.

  DEE. Wish me luck now.

  AIDEN. Good luck.

  DEE. Gertie.

  GERTIE. Good luck is right.

  DEE kisses AIDEN again.

  DEE. Keep your phone near.I’ll call you if it’s good news.Text you if it’s bad.

  AIDEN. I’ll be expectin
g a phone call so.

  They kiss – DEE exits.

  GERTIE. You’ve some young one begging outside the shop.

  AIDEN. I saw that, yeah.

  GERTIE. Did you call the Guards?

  AIDEN. No, Gertie, I didn’t.

  GERTIE. You need to start getting on top of things around here – you really do.

  AIDEN. I’ll try a bit harder from now on.

  GERTIE. She’s ruining your business on you out there.

  AIDEN. I don’t see how she could be ruining my business, Gertie.

  GERTIE. Practically assaulted me on the way in.

  AIDEN. Okay.

  GERTIE. With her paper cup and her fucking muttering and mumbling.

  AIDEN. I’ll have a word with her later.

  GERTIE. Don’t bother your arse – you just keep drifting on as normal.Good man yourself.But I’m telling you now – I won’t be back here again if I’ve to step over her on my way in.

  AIDEN. I might ask her to stay so.

  GERTIE. Very funny now.Yeah.Very funny altogether.You should get a job as a comedian.

  AIDEN. You reckon?

  GERTIE. Absolutely.You might have some success at that.

  AIDEN. Right.

  GERTIE walks over to the counter.

  GERTIE. Where’s the hot food gone?

  AIDEN. We’ve stopped doing it.

  GERTIE. You’ve what?

  AIDEN. Since yesterday.

  GERTIE. You’re joking me.

  AIDEN. It was losing us too much money.

  GERTIE. Ahh, for…

  AIDEN. Most of it ending up in the bin every night.Sinful.

  GERTIE. But sure what about the big counter you put in there.

  AIDEN. ’Tis mothballed, Gertie.

  GERTIE. ’Tis fucking mothballed?

  AIDEN. For now.

  GERTIE. And all the money you spent on it.

  AIDEN. There’s no market any more.It was all builders and trades.None of those boys left to feed these days.

  GERTIE. But sure what else have you got in this place?

  AIDEN (laughs).Come on now.

  GERTIE. What? What are you fucking laughing at?

  AIDEN. Pardon?

  GERTIE. You clown you.

  AIDEN. Well, I’ve the rest of the shop for a start.

  GERTIE. Jesus.

  AIDEN. I’ve the newspapers there.

  GERTIE. I read all of them on the computer now.Everybody does.

  AIDEN. I’ve the cigarettes.

  GERTIE. Get mine down the market on Sunday.